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EP 2017: turn a new leaf

by touron

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1.
You're chain smoking cigarettes at the pit littered with depression. You say you're alright. Well that's more optimistic than your last opposition. Hey how have you been? I got the letters, I've gotten all of them. Sorry I haven't written you back. Nothing's good. I'm not alright. But here's the song I said I'd write. Hey how have you been? I haven't been a real good friend. Ive been busy wishing I were dead cause... Nothing's good. I'm not alright. But here's the song I said I'd write.
2.
I can't keep myself from thinking about you. The nights I spend dreaming we were made for the future. But we can embrace it all. Something said was "never meant" to hurt who you've become. I'm sorry for the things that I have done. Never not wanting to go back. Lying on the bed next to memories of the times when we loved each other but not anymore.
3.
I can't tell if you really miss me or if I'm just crazy. You don't send me the messages that let me know you're doing okay these days. That's fine just don't do that thing that you do... Where you protrude with words so crude. You allude I would not have you. But you don't care anymore. At least that's what you want me to think. I saw your dad, he told mine that you got kicked out of your place. What a surprise it was to see his face. ◦
4.
A leaf and a raindrop on the door. A simple code to know. Something to show for this loss that you've been bestowed. “You hardly have to push because it just goes." First come the feet. Not enough time to turn around. But enough time to look like me. The smallest being you've ever held and the lack of life within. You’re empty now and you don't know where to begin. You were once fuller than you ever could’ve imagined. But it’s been stripped away. Losing count of all the organs you ripped in a single day. What are you left to do? Nothing. Go home. You're merely an everyday outpatient. Broken and tainted. But you can keep your hospital bracelet. Wear it until ink is faded. You can wear it as long as you would like. Just know that won't bring you or her or even I back to life. So this is goodbye. Congratulations, I'm sorry. Thank you for being stronger than me.

about

7" records available:
nothingfeelsgoodrecords.bandcamp.com/album/turn-a-new-leaf

150/300 records pressed were lost by the USPS

tapes available:
sadnaprecords.bandcamp.com/album/turn-a-new-leaf


Where do I begin...
These songs were written about a year ago. During that time period I was going through things in my life that I didn't believe I'd see myself through. I truly thought they were destined to be the end of me. I ended an abusive 6 year relationship at the age of 21. It was toxic on both ends and I'm sure looking back we both did things we regret. Things that led to our demise. Some time had passed, I was better off, but it all came back to me with the words, "I'm pregnant". I learned that the child was lost in the womb, a stillborn. I didn't go to the hospital that day and I never knew if I'd live that down. I wrote these songs not only to cope with the hurt I was facing myself (the break up / losing a child), but also the hurt those involved dealt with, and my guilt associated with their pain. When the songs were finished I anxiously awaited the recording process. My intentions were to release them, and in the same day, take my life...
I don't know why it took a year after this for us to finally record, but within that year my life changed drastically. No longer do I wish death upon myself. I've had so many new wonderful people come into my life since removing the people who once caused me pain. It would take entirely too long to name you all. All of my dearest friends, you know who you are. If you've been to our shows at Heads Up and/or abroad. If we've ever had the smallest conversation in person, or maybe even on the internet. You've made an impact on me and played a crucial role in my existence. I'm still here and I'm grateful to each and every one of you for that. If these words some how found their way in front of you... thank you.
If you take anything away from reading this, let it be that suicide is not the answer. Stay strong and get help if you need it, whether it be professional or just allowing your friends (maybe even strangers) into your situation. You never know what life is gonna throw at you and sometimes it's not all bad. Hopefully as I am able to do, you will look back and realize these trials made you stronger than you ever thought you'd be. And maybe your resilience will pay off for you as it seems to have done for me.
⁃ Andrew

credits

released November 5, 2017

songs written and performed by: touron
recorded live by: mitchell bollinger

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touron Delaware

2016 - 2018
still dead, always was

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